Dr. Gloria G. Brame is the lead author of Different Loving. A poet, journalist, and novelist, Brame has contributed articles to Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Working Woman, and Maxim. She can be contracted at http://gloria-brame.com.
: A Commonsense Guide To Kinky Sex
How do you tell your partner that you'd like to be spanked?
Where can you find a good dominatrix?
If your husband like to wear your panties, does that mean he's gay?
What really goes on at SM clubs?
After you tie someone up, what exactly are you supposed to do?
Is there such a thing as normal sex?
If you've ever wondered about the ins and outs of bondage, spanking, or cross-dressing, look no further. Come Hither is a frank, friendly guide on how to turn your secret fantasies into satisfying expressions of love and desire. The official resource guide for SM/fetish sex at the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, Come Hither proves that a little kink can be a lot of fun.<
Bob Berkowitz author of His Secret Life Come Hither is accessible, fun to read, informative, and sexy all at the same time. I highly recommend it.<
Dr. Robert T. McIlvenna President, The Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality Dr. Brame is simply the best tour guide I know for your travel in the world of kinky sex.<
Chapter One: Introductory Kink
Nine years ago, I began working on a book called Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission. When my coauthors and I started out, we assumed we would be researching the small sexual subculture of dominance and submission (also known as B&D and SM) to which we belonged. Basically, we sought to write a book about people like us for people like us -- people who knew what they liked but felt they needed to understand more about kinky sex from a broad perspective.
On this assumption, we researched the history and practice of SM, and directed all our interview efforts at people in the "Scene" (a nickname for the kinky subculture in the United States). Aiming for diversity, we talked to as many different kinky people as possible -- gay, straight, transgendered, bisexual. We recruited them from kinky newsgroups on the Internet, sometimes according to their fetishes; we wrote letters to SM/fetish organizations and attended club events, distributing flyers; and we asked friends to tell friends about our book project.
In the end, we had hundreds of terrific interviews, covering not only an amazing spectrum of sexual variations, but spanning a diverse range of religions, ages, races, and social classes. There was, however, one serious limitation on the sample: All of the people we interviewed knew they were kinky and had decided, at some point in their lives, to join the SM subculture to one degree or another.
In fact, the number of people who actually find their way into the Scene represents only a small fraction of the total number of American adults who enjoy erotic variations that would be classed, clinically, as sadomasochistic or fetishistic. During the course of our research, that larger group revealed itself to us. It comprised a largely conventional, completely in-the-closet, and clinically unacknowledged segment of society that neither seeks out kinky contacts nor even admits to having kinky fantasies to anyone other than a life-partner -- or possibly a professional dominatrix.
My husband, Will Brame (who was my coauthor on Different Loving, along with Jon Jacobs), and I were at first bemused when, at conservative literary gatherings, we would be deluged by people who asked us lurid questions. At one such prim gathering where the women wore Birkenstocks and the men wore colorless ties, one thirty-something repeatedly squealed loudly in disgust as we talked about our research. Later, she approached us privately. Dreading yet another onslaught, we were taken aback when she asked us this question: Her ex-boyfriend liked her to pee on him before sex. Would we consider this kinky?
Well, yes. We would. It's certainly kinky enough for there to be a clinical term for it (urophilia, or a love of urine).
The squealer was only the first of an unfathomable number of ordinary, conservative people we've met since who similarly react first with horror, then fascination, when we describe our work.
The most curious confessions came from a media coach. She told us later that she had been worrying all day that we would show up in biker jackets, with chains around our necks and piercings everywhere else. Our business suits apparently comforted her because by the ti
This is the first book on the subject that i've actually managed to read cover-to-cover, without wanting to skip around. It also rings true with my personal experiences so far, particularly her section on "types of people to watch out for". Browsing that section in the bookstore is what convinced me to look at the book in more depth and to buy it. Upon reading the entire book i'm glad I did.I particularly like her inclusive nature, and her stressing of (nearly, she has reservations about medically dangerous stuff) everything being ok, as long as it involves people capable of consent, who know what they are getting into. It seems there are so many other sources which have an idea of "the one true way" to do it, and anything else is somehow wrong, or not "real BDSM". This book was a refreshing breath of air.I found the writing style to be very comfortable and readable, and not stuffy or dry. I found her discussions of the social stigmas associated with various practices very interesting. Also, the discussions of the emotional and mental aspects; this is more than just another "how-to" book. This is a book I would not be afraid to give to someone who may be questioning their "vanilla-ness". Its a gentle opening of the eyes, instead of a drop-kick into the middle of the ocean. I wish I had read this before an encounter with a "one-true-way" type who nearly drove me away forever. Fortunately, I realized that not all players are that way, and this book really helps to make that clear. For instance, its perfectly ok to be a dominant masochist, or a hedonist, one just needs to find compatible partners, and they are out there somewhere. I think it also helps make clear just how common kink must be, in spite of appearances (after all, at the icecream shop, how many flavors are vanilla, and how many aren't? 8)The world will be a much better place once people are actually allowed to be who they are; this book is a step in helping that to come about.The book loses a star (I would have given it 4.5, if that were an option) due to an occasional bias in examples toward what must be the author's personal preferences, although I suppose its good to use what you know. Fortunately this detracts very little from the overall content and message.I think the book would be good for anyone, no matter which of the GLBTS (s is for straight) letters apply to them. Unlike a previous review I found the trans(gender/sexual/vestite) discussion to be very enlightening and appropriate, in its place in the book, particularly in helping to understand the differences in the various categories. Trans people can certainly be into BDSM as much as anyone else, and some people use trans as a form of BDSM. I suspect many people tend to always lump "the other" into one group and don't want to realize that the topics are more complex than that. This book helps to dispel that for a number of topics related to sex in some way.
When beer companies and fashion designers begin basing advertising campaigns on high-gloss photographs of men licking the feet of models wearing black stilettos, you know pop culture has truly become obsessed with all things leather and kinky. It's a far cry from 1993 when Dr. Gloria Brame was the lead writer of "Different Loving," the ground-breaking book on sexual dominance and submission. The book was so controversial it almost didn't get published; it's now considered the Bible of the BDSM movement and one of the driving forces behind kink going mainstream."Come Hither" is Brame's long-waited follow-up, a perfect companion to that first book. If "Different Loving" was a scholarly and detached overview of an exciting and unexplored new world, then "Come Hither" is like finding a chatty and knowledgeable tour guide who knows all the best spots in town.This is a book for both the curious and the experienced. Fearful of sharing your fantasies of being tied up to your partner? "Come Hither" offers clear and smart advice. Wondering about the proper use of a Butterfly Board or a Neuro-Wheel? "Come Hither" has detailed descriptions of dozens of kinky toys and devices.Brame not only is one of the world's foremost experts on BDSM, she's also an engaging writer who is able to convey her passion and knowledge in a conversational style. She never takes herself, or her topic, too seriously. So much of society's perception of BDSM is cloaked in danger and darkness. Brame shows the human side: the intimacy and the warmth and the humor. "Will heavy makeup make me look cheap?" she asks in a chapter delving into cross-dressing. "Of course," she replies, with a wink and a nod. "Isn't that the fun part of it?"You'll find a lot of those kinds of moments in "Come Hither." You'll also find solid and fascinating information and tips by the woman who, literally, wrote "the book" on BDSM.
While there are many books out there that refer to this subject, this one was the one that I found to be the most helpful. She has not only touched on SM, but on the fact that one does not have to be into the 'scene' to be kinky.
Well, maybe it's because we've heard it all before. Ms. Brame has written her very own introduction to SM, despite the fact that there are plenty of them already out there. If she had anything new to offer, her book might have had some appeal, but her rehashing of old stereotypes is not going to benefit anyone considering entering the scene, and her cute little quizzes aren't much more educational...
It seems every time I look up, there's a new SM book on the market. While I welcome this, I'm disappointed that Dr. Braeme's book isn't a little bit more entertaining. There are some chapters later on in the book that contain excellent information (and done in an original manner), while the early chapters discuss basic novice information. This is good, but I've seen these topics presented in a...